Je Ne Comprends Pas Ce Que Je Dis
by DB Sommer
Summary: An Azumanga shortfic Tomo learns French... sort of.


Je Ne Comprends Pas Ce Que Je Dis  
  
(An Azumanga Daioh shortfic)  
  
Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at  
  
sommer@3rdm.net  
  
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Standard Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Azumanga Daioh characters. They are owned by  
  
Writer's note: All French is borrowed from others that speak it far better than I. Likewise in keeping with the Azumanga manga, this is short and fairly pointless. I'd probably label it a spamfic, but the manga is even more brief, so it's close to the source material in that respect. Assume this takes place during the first year of the series.   
  
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
It was early morning when Tomo burst into the classroom and headed toward her favorite target, who also happened to be her best friend.   
  
Tomo greeted Yomi with a happy, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"  
  
Yomi, and those surrounding her desk, Osaka and Sakaki, stared in puzzlement at Tomo.  
  
Yomi asked, "What did you just say? It didn't sound like English."  
  
"It was French." Tomo beamed proudly at her.  
  
When it became evident Tomo would not continue, Yomi prodded her. "And you are speaking it because...?"  
  
"Someday I want to join Interpol. I figured I ought to learn French so I can have that international flavor Interpol agents are supposed to have," Tomo provided in explanation.  
  
"And you want to taste like something French?" Osaka asked. She pondered the matter. "I like pasta, so I think I'd like to have an Italian flavor."  
  
"She didn't mean that sort of flavor," Yomi said in a tired voice.  
  
"Oh," Osaka said. After a moment of silence, she turned to Sakaki and said, "I think you'd be best with a spicy flavor. Maybe you should learn Indian."  
  
"I don't like spicy foods," Sakaki said quietly.   
  
"Enough with the food talk." Yomi looked guiltily at her waistline.  
  
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Tomo repeated to Yomi.  
  
"I don't speak a word of French!" Yomi snapped.  
  
Tomo stated proudly, "I learned it last night. It's a standard French greeting. It means something like, 'How are you doing?'" Actually, that was what Tomo assumed it meant given the context it had been used. Lacking any French dictionaries, she had been forced to resort to looking around the house for something in French to teach her the language. Eventually she stumbled upon a videotape her father had tucked away in a small box under his bed. It had a title that sounded French: 'Menage a Trois Deluxe,'.   
  
She grabbed it, assuming that after she watched it a few times, she'd get the gist of the language. However, she hadn't gotten five minutes through the first scene when her father caught her watching it and immediately ejected the tape from the player, scolding her for taking something that wasn't hers. The only phrase she had picked up on was a scene with a man and a woman when he asked her that and she answered. Tomo assumed she must have felt pretty well, as the two began making out after she answered. It was just getting interesting when Tomo's father found her and appropriated the tape.   
  
Yomi shrugged and answered, "Fine."  
  
Tomo turned to Osaka. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"  
  
"Buono," Osaka said enthusiastically.   
  
Kaorin was just entering the classroom when Tomo turned to Sakaki and repeated, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"  
  
"Okay," Sakaki answered.   
  
Kaorin stopped instantly, paling as though all of her blood had been drained out of her. A look of complete devastation crossed her features. She then began crying at the top of her lungs, and ran out of the room.  
  
The quartet of girls watched in confusion at where the display had taken place.   
  
"I wonder what was that all about," Osaka said.   
  
Tomo shrugged. "Maybe Kimura-sensei sent her a love letter."  
  
"That would do it," Yomi agreed.  
  
Yukari entered the room, looking in irritation over her shoulder and back out in the hall. "Darn kids. Why can't they cry quietly in a corner instead of running around, nearly knocking innocent teachers over?" she growled.  
  
Tomo bounded over to Yukari.  
  
Yukari asked in an even more annoyed voice, "What is it now?"  
  
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Tomo asked happily.  
  
Yukari paled. The teacher drew back, as though she were a vampire and Tomo was a cross. Upon reentering the hall, she slid the door to the classroom shut. The sounds of her fleeing footsteps penetrated even the walls of the room.  
  
"I guess she's not feeling too well," Tomo said.  
  
Osaka said, "Yukari-sensei is crabby a lot, so she should get an Alaskan flavor. They have good crabs."  
  
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
Minamo 'Nyamo' Kurosawa was just finishing greeting her class when Yukari stormed into the room, grabbed her by the collar, than dragged her out in hall, slamming the door shut behind them.  
  
After being pulled halfway down the hall, Kurosawa ripped out of Yukari's grasp and confronted her. "What's your problem?"  
  
"I can't believe you'd betray me like this! It was my darkest, deepest secret!" Yukari raged.  
  
Rarely seeing her friend in such a state, Kurosawa said, "What are you talking about?"  
  
"As if you didn't know."  
  
"I don't."  
  
"You remember that little one time incident I had with Yohko back in college?"  
  
"What... oh," Kurosawa said in realization. "Wait a minute. I never told anyone about it."  
  
"Then why did one of my students just proposition me if you didn't tell her?"  
  
"I don't know," Kurosawa said in exasperation.  
  
Yukari sniffled. "You were the only one I confided it in."   
  
"'The only one I confided it in' my foot! We were at a bar and you were stinking drunk when you shouted it out for everyone to hear. I was the only person present that knew you is all."  
  
Yukari had long since stopped paying attention. She sobbed, "It's not fair. Now that the secret's out, I'm going to be hit on by all the girls. I am attractive, after all. They won't be able to resist my good looks anymore than the guys will."  
  
"I somehow doubt if it'll reach that stage," Kurosawa said flatly.  
  
"So how do you deal with it?" Yukari said tearfully.  
  
Now completely confused, Kurosawa asked, "Deal with what?"  
  
"Girls hitting on you."  
  
"I do not have girls hitting on me," Kurosawa said in disbelief at the question.  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"But you're kind of masculine-looking and a female gym instructor. I just figured everyone assumes you swing 'that way' and girls hit on you all the time."  
  
"I am not masculine-looking!"  
  
Yukari began drawing back. "Maybe I'd better not be seen with you anymore. If we keep hanging around together, people will think we're involved with one another. Besides, even if I were that way, I wouldn't want people to think I'm desperate."  
  
"And just what is that supposed to mean?!"  
  
"Just that I could do better than you if I was like that, which I'm not."  
  
Kurosawa turned red at the implication. "Any woman would be happy to date someone like me!"  
  
It was at that moment Kurosawa heard a collective gasp behind her. Her heart nearly sank into her stomach as she turned to see the majority of her students had slid back the door to the class and poked their heads out to see how their homeroom teacher was doing.  
  
"It... it's not what you think!" Kurosawa stammered out.  
  
Yukari said, "That's right, boys and girls. Remember it's Nyamo talking about dating women, whereas a straight person like me, that has never had an encounter with members of the same gender, was not. If anyone is that way, it's her, not me. In fact, the nature of the conversation is making me so uneasy, I'm leaving," Yukari then ran off and let Kurosawa take the heat for the situation, hoping in the ensuing chaos everyone would forget she was ever there.  
  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
Chiyo entered the classroom and bowed. "Sorry I'm late. I overslept."  
  
"Yukari-sensei's not here yet," Yomi assured her.   
  
Relieved, Chiyo went to sit down, staring curiously at a despondent Kaorin. Before she could make it into her seat, she was intercepted by Tomo.  
  
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Tomo asked.   
  
Chiyo considered that. "Well, I haven't been at a sleepover since I was in third grade, but I guess I could."  
  
"Sleepover?" Tomo stared at her in puzzlement.  
  
"You just asked me in French if I wanted to sleep with you tonight. Isn't that what you meant?" Chiyo asked in all innocence.  
  
"Oh, is that what it translates into?" Tomo asked.  
  
Yomi's reaction was somewhat more irate as she scowled at Tomo. "You idiot."  
  
"Tomo wants to sleep with me?" Osaka asked in confusion.  
  
"Not really. I guess I misunderstood what I was saying. Isn't that funny." Tomo laughed uproariously.  
  
"My answer remains the same," Sakaki said quietly.  
  
Tomo stopped in mid-laugh and became statue still.   
  
Kaorin burst out crying and fled from the room once again.  
  
Osaka switched her confused to stare to Sakaki. Even Yomi appeared scandalized by the statement, as did the rest of the class, save Chiyo, who stared curiously at everyone.  
  
Sakaki noticed all eyes in the classroom were affixed to her.  
  
"A sleepover would be fun," she said every bit as innocently as Chiyo had moments before.  
  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
[End notes] And here endth the fic. Like I said, short and pointless.  
  
Special thanks to:  
  
Eternal Lost Lurker.   
  
Jorge Platt Blanno  
  
Orcrys  
  
Nick Leifker  
  
Tory  
  
Sebastian Palm  
  
Jerome Fouleteir  
  
Denise Cameron  
  
Jean Guy Fournier  
  
Michael A Chase  
  
Falc  
  
Alkard  
  
Schrobonics  
  
Al'Eyx 


End file.
